Uncle Popov LIVE!! (half assed)

OH SHIT!! UPDSR’s gonna live-blag the MLS allstars vs. ManU. Boom!

They’re interviewing Landon Donovan right now and whether or not he’s actually going to leave California full time and bother going to play sawker in Europe. Just do it you giant puss. You showed you belong during your stint at Everton, the People’s Club.

Its been a few weeks since the end of the World Cup but ALEXI LALAS IS STILL A LOATHESOME HUMAN BEING. Ugh…

Coverage started 20 minutes ago and they still haven’t bothered starting. I wonder what Matt Schaub is doing right now?

O/U on the times “Sir” is used in reference to Alex Ferguson, a title he received from a country we revolted from?: 58

And with that, at 7:53 PM CST we are underway!

1 minutes: HAHA. And HAHA. United have scored. Macheda pokes in after an awful pass back by whoever the fuck is defending for MLS.

5 minutes: Its settled down now but it can’t be understated how awful MLS look at the beginning. Something else just happened with the MLS goalkeeper that I couldn’t see because I essentially hunt and peck.

11 minutes: At this point, United will win this 5-0 at least. I actually hope it happens. I get so damn tired of MLS taking credit for beating English/Euro teams while they’re just beginning prep for the upcoming season.

And United score again. 2-0

14 minutes: Giggs called for a foul that he just doesn’t deserve that leads to a free kick from Juan Pablo Angel, ex Villa man, thats saved by Edwin Van der Sar.

20 minnutes: Not a lot going on. Some lobbing of the ball back and forth. I have to say that the turnout for this game seems to be very strong.

I attended this game in 2006 when MLS Allstars played Chelsea in Chicago and the game didn’t fill 20,000 seat Toyota Park. Good for MLS and soccer in the US as a whole.

24 minutes: I’m also pecking out a new rant to be published later in the evening. The topic? Who cares?!?

26 minutes: MLS keeps trying to steal a goal but it just isn’t going to happen, and I’m pretty damn sure I don’t see Nemanja Vidic or Rio Ferdinand out there, which is even more embarrassing. United will score AT LEAST another goal before half. MLS will not.

30 minutes: This game sucks and I may not do UP LIVE!! during the second half. I still hope United win 10-0.

GK shirt for United seems to have Zubaz-inspired sleeves.

33 minutes:: Rob Stone is filling us in on SIR Alex!!

34 minutes: Think I just saw the crowd doing the damn wave. Thats when I sign off. I fucking hate the wave.

39 minutes: Meh.

42 minutes: UP LIVE!! was a mistake for this garbage game. To hell with it. And to hell with the MLS. Darren Fletcher with a scorcher off the bar right there. What is anyone gaining from this game? Its like watching a damn And-1 bball game.

44 minutes: Nothing.

And thats it. I’ll never start another one of these for some garbage ass soccer game in July. We all learned something from tonight, no?

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Uncle Popov LIVE!!

Yeah, yeah, yeeaahh!

Its time. For what you might ask? For another segment of UP LIVE!! you goddamn idiot! I’m going to intermittently post about King James and his impending decision and as always pretend that anyone, anywhere is actually reading. LET’S DO THIS SHIT.

5:41 PM CST: Diane Sawyer and all her global resources at ABC News are reporting that LeBron will more than likely end up in Miami, one of the main reasons being the state of Florida doesn’t have a state income tax. Breaking news there.

5:43 PM: They mentioned something about the economic impact on each city that are still a player in the LBJ sweepstakes. I honestly didn’t listen bc I just do not care about that kind of shit. ABC “World” News also promises to revisit this story before they sign off tonight. They also had some stooge on the scene of the Boys/Girls Club or whatever it is from which our regal King will be making his announcement. I nearly pissed myself at the mere sight of its brick facade.

5:57 PM: ABC are basically replaying ESPN’s sports science or whatever the hell its called discussing LBJ’s freakish build/athleticism, etc. Yawn…

But don’t forget, Robin Roberts and GMA will have LeBron’s first interview AD tomorrow morning!!

Part of the reason I’m doing this is, as my dear Uncle mentioned in a post earlier, *NO ONE* knows a goddamned thing about any of this. Nothing. And it speaks to what journalism, in particular sports journalism, has become in today’s world. There is no reporting. None. No one does any legwork. And ESPN is the biggest culprit. They gave a mouthpiece to Stephen A. Smith to sling shit at the wall. And he’s still doing it. More often then not, something will stick. Now they trot out Chris Broussard, who I’m still not convinced has a basic grasp on the English language, to um… and ahh…. for a few hours and remind us, ad fucking nauseum, that its all a “fluid situation.”

These people get on Twitter and tell you what they just read *ON TWITTER*. Its awful and if this farcical “Summer of 2010” has done anything, its proven that mainstream sports journalism in the United States is *DEAD*. D-O-fucking-A. Its not the “reporters/insiders” fault that they still collect a (huge) check. Its their employer’s.

6:19 PM: Local 6 o’clock news has yet to even mention a damn thing about anything LeBron. Its probably due to the fact that Jim Rose is involved.

6:23 PM Rose just let us know that Chris Broussard is reporting that LBJ is going to Miami. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

6:45 PM: I flipped over to ESPN briefly but just couldn’t stay yet. I’m probably going to go make a sandwich soon. I got sucked in to some PBS news story about University of Alabama professors down on the Gulf Coast working against the oil and tar balls washing up.

7:02 PM: ESPN with an unbelievably dramatic intro to [GASP…] THE DECISION.

I just truly didn’t know there were this many NBA fans in this country. And I absolutely LOVE basketball. I grew up in both Kentucky and Indiana. I didn’t have a choice. But I just wasn’t aware that there were this many people who gave a shit about basketball in this country. Football? Of course. Baseball? Maybe. Basketball? No way. I’ve witnessed (!) entirely too many basketball games with awful (paltry?) attendance.

Do we really care about basketball?

7:17 PM: I’ve begun making a sandwich. I won’t eat it over the computer. ESPN, which you all have access to, is running tape of player interviews re: LeBron. Exciting.

I just don’t think LBJ is going to Miami. I just don’t think its going to happen. How’s THAT for reporting? Wade County and all, right?

7:46 PM: ESPN have brought back in TIM LEGLER and he is mentioning *SKILL SETS* and he knows what he’s talking about, right? This is all getting extremely exciting.

7:53 PM: ESPN ARE ON COMMERCIAL!!

7:55 PM: I’ve not cocked my neck over to glance at the TV but I’m pretty sure that I just heard Stu Scott’s voice, which would only serve to bring this farce around full circle.

I just glanced over and Scott is in fact inviolved. As is Jon Barry.

GOOD LORD.

7:59 PM: ESPN have announced their “findings” re: their online poll. Its “real life stuff” as some white guy sitting in ESPN studios just mentioned.

Journalism.

8:03 PM: HERE WE GO! Chris Broussard is an embarrassment to humanity.

8:12 PM meh… ESPN have shown us LBJ in various team’s #6 jerseys. Good lord I really get the feeling that the media doesn’t realize that the rest of us have internet access.

8:23 PM: OH SHIT! LeBron is on TV *RIGHT NOW*

8:27 PM: King keeps talking.

8:28 PM: Did he just choose Miami? I honestly don’t know. Christ this is stupid.

He just chose Miami. Good for him. Good luck with all of it. When does football start?

Uncle Popov LIVE!!

I’m going to type about soccer here during Germany/Australia. I’m also going to actually pretend that people are reading! Ready?

And we are under way! I won’t say one thing about the vuvuzelas other than I FUCKING HATE THEM AND ANYONE WHO HAS EVER EVEN CONSIDERED BLOWING INTO ONE. And at 3 minutes, the Socceroos almost score. Header, deflection, fierce shot, yet nothing.

Surely Germany will not only hold a clean sheet in the matchup, but also score a couple goals. And as I very slowly type that, Mr. World Cup himself Miroslav Klose almost scores and someone else in white also almost blasts in Klose’s rebound.

8 minutes: And that man Podolski, blasts one in. Laser. 1-0 Germany

11 minutes: Ozil with a yellow for Germany for diving. Referee making his feelings know early on that subject. Can this ref run proceedings in Italy’s games as well?

Has Germany’s crest changed on their shirts? It seems as if it has. And what in the hell are Australia wearing?

16 minutes: Podolski tried again but Schwarzer nabs it. Germany will win this one handily at this rate. Will Australia even get another SOG in the first half?

What is Oliver Kahn up to these days? And for that matter, Jens Lehmann?

19 minutes Some Aussie with a shot into orbit. I honestly can’t name many Socceroos and up until yesterday, had completely forgotten about Harry Kewell.

23 minutees: Should have been a goal there by Klose. A low cross by Podolski(!) and all it needed was a tap by Klose, who apparently is in awful form. I wouldn’t know, as Fox Soccer Channel STOPPED TELEVISING THE BUNDESLIGA. . Podolski would fit in really well in the Premiership. Won’t Man City buy him?

25 or 26 minutes(?): Klose gets his head on that one. Podolski’s opposite, whoever that is, puts a Beckham-esque cross right on Klose’s head. 2-0 Germany and this one could get ugly. Or boring, either one.

Germany, Serbia and Ghana actually make for a very difficult group. Just an awful draw for Australia and a good team is going to go home in a few days, perhaps Serbia at this point, which is a shame. They looked like ass today though, to be fair. Serbia/Germany could be a good one though, especially if Serbia leave that poor man’s Peter Crouch on the bench.

35 minutes: There’s absolutely nothing happening in this game at the moment.

37 minutes: Germany waste a corner.

38 minutes: Germany just on another level compared to the other teams I’ve seen in this World Cup. I admittedly haven’t seen every game, though.

40 minutes: Podolski again. Good lord. A perfectly weighted pass on the floor to the diver, who can’t finish. Germany really trying for another one before the break.

45 minutes: Eh, this half is over, with one more minute of injury time to come.

HT: Germany 2-0 Australia

Germany have essentially strikers for defenders who not only defend well but can just blast SOG’s on you at a moment’s notice. With Podolski up front and Lahm and the diver coming up from the back. Germany will go far in this tournament, which I wasn’t sure they’d do, especially after I saw Ballack go down with that ankle injurt

Germany, to use a not only tired but perhaps dead phrase, was clinical. Australia, um, might not score a goal this tournament, barring a penalty. They won’t score in the second half against Germany and I just can’t see them scoring against Nemanja Vidic and company either. Can they put one in against the Black Stars? Honestly, who cares?

And we’ve come in late here in the US with I think(?) a substitution.

Ally McCoist just isn’t the same commentator coming out of the half. He’s essentially grunting and gasping into the mike in, I think, the English language.

52 minutes: Everyone is pinging the ball around and only occasionally does the ball leave the floor. Its gotten boring. As I type, Muller has sent a shot, with more precise buildup akin to what we saw in the first half from Germany, over the bar.

55 minutes: Oh dear. Everton’s Tim Cahill has been sent off with a straight red on, I think, Schweinsteiger. Cahill was there late, but a straight red? I think the Mexican ref has gotten it wrong.

59 minutes: Klose playing well. Almost had another one there. Should’ve finished.

Germany have essentially strikers as defenders. They not only defend well, but will blast one past you at a moment’s notice. Podolski, Lahm, the diver. I wasn’t sure about Germany this year, especially when I saw Ballack get stamped on in the FA Cup Final a few weeks ago. But they look damn good.

65 minutes: Klose with another chance wide. This really should be a rout.

67 minutes: Muller puts it in off the post, after a nice fake. 3-0 Germany and it really could be much, much worse.

70 minutes: Oh my. Cacau with a goal some of the children I saw earlier while on my run could have scored. A sitter as they say. 4-0 Germany and this is all getting a bit gross. Can we do something about Oceania qualifying? Seriously.

75 minutes: Announcers have stopped talking about the game and moved onto Rugby and swimming in the Indian Ocean. Why not just start the wave?

81 minutes: Germany going for 5-0 at least. They probably deserve it.

83 minutes: Wow. Whoever the German goalkeeper is just had to make a save. Honestly haven’t seen him since that opening attempt on goal.

86 minutes: I’ve stopped watching.

90 + 1: For some reason they’ve given 3 minutes injury time. Australia, representing Oceanic football, are an embarrassment. Won’t watch another game they’re involved in.

FT: Germany 4:0 Australia

This was fun for me. I’m probably going to do it again. I look forward to Germany playing a real team, hopefully one with 11 men for 90 minutes. Still, Germany are the best looking team BY FAR so far in this World Cup. Who *CAN’T* put a shot on target in the Germany starting 11?

If I’m not mistaken, the team finishing second (which will be the US) will face the winner from Group Germany, err, I mean Group D.

DO NOT FACE GERMANY.