Uncle Popov LIVE!!

I’m going to type about soccer here during Germany/Australia. I’m also going to actually pretend that people are reading! Ready?

And we are under way! I won’t say one thing about the vuvuzelas other than I FUCKING HATE THEM AND ANYONE WHO HAS EVER EVEN CONSIDERED BLOWING INTO ONE. And at 3 minutes, the Socceroos almost score. Header, deflection, fierce shot, yet nothing.

Surely Germany will not only hold a clean sheet in the matchup, but also score a couple goals. And as I very slowly type that, Mr. World Cup himself Miroslav Klose almost scores and someone else in white also almost blasts in Klose’s rebound.

8 minutes: And that man Podolski, blasts one in. Laser. 1-0 Germany

11 minutes: Ozil with a yellow for Germany for diving. Referee making his feelings know early on that subject. Can this ref run proceedings in Italy’s games as well?

Has Germany’s crest changed on their shirts? It seems as if it has. And what in the hell are Australia wearing?

16 minutes: Podolski tried again but Schwarzer nabs it. Germany will win this one handily at this rate. Will Australia even get another SOG in the first half?

What is Oliver Kahn up to these days? And for that matter, Jens Lehmann?

19 minutes Some Aussie with a shot into orbit. I honestly can’t name many Socceroos and up until yesterday, had completely forgotten about Harry Kewell.

23 minutees: Should have been a goal there by Klose. A low cross by Podolski(!) and all it needed was a tap by Klose, who apparently is in awful form. I wouldn’t know, as Fox Soccer Channel STOPPED TELEVISING THE BUNDESLIGA. . Podolski would fit in really well in the Premiership. Won’t Man City buy him?

25 or 26 minutes(?): Klose gets his head on that one. Podolski’s opposite, whoever that is, puts a Beckham-esque cross right on Klose’s head. 2-0 Germany and this one could get ugly. Or boring, either one.

Germany, Serbia and Ghana actually make for a very difficult group. Just an awful draw for Australia and a good team is going to go home in a few days, perhaps Serbia at this point, which is a shame. They looked like ass today though, to be fair. Serbia/Germany could be a good one though, especially if Serbia leave that poor man’s Peter Crouch on the bench.

35 minutes: There’s absolutely nothing happening in this game at the moment.

37 minutes: Germany waste a corner.

38 minutes: Germany just on another level compared to the other teams I’ve seen in this World Cup. I admittedly haven’t seen every game, though.

40 minutes: Podolski again. Good lord. A perfectly weighted pass on the floor to the diver, who can’t finish. Germany really trying for another one before the break.

45 minutes: Eh, this half is over, with one more minute of injury time to come.

HT: Germany 2-0 Australia

Germany have essentially strikers for defenders who not only defend well but can just blast SOG’s on you at a moment’s notice. With Podolski up front and Lahm and the diver coming up from the back. Germany will go far in this tournament, which I wasn’t sure they’d do, especially after I saw Ballack go down with that ankle injurt

Germany, to use a not only tired but perhaps dead phrase, was clinical. Australia, um, might not score a goal this tournament, barring a penalty. They won’t score in the second half against Germany and I just can’t see them scoring against Nemanja Vidic and company either. Can they put one in against the Black Stars? Honestly, who cares?

And we’ve come in late here in the US with I think(?) a substitution.

Ally McCoist just isn’t the same commentator coming out of the half. He’s essentially grunting and gasping into the mike in, I think, the English language.

52 minutes: Everyone is pinging the ball around and only occasionally does the ball leave the floor. Its gotten boring. As I type, Muller has sent a shot, with more precise buildup akin to what we saw in the first half from Germany, over the bar.

55 minutes: Oh dear. Everton’s Tim Cahill has been sent off with a straight red on, I think, Schweinsteiger. Cahill was there late, but a straight red? I think the Mexican ref has gotten it wrong.

59 minutes: Klose playing well. Almost had another one there. Should’ve finished.

Germany have essentially strikers as defenders. They not only defend well, but will blast one past you at a moment’s notice. Podolski, Lahm, the diver. I wasn’t sure about Germany this year, especially when I saw Ballack get stamped on in the FA Cup Final a few weeks ago. But they look damn good.

65 minutes: Klose with another chance wide. This really should be a rout.

67 minutes: Muller puts it in off the post, after a nice fake. 3-0 Germany and it really could be much, much worse.

70 minutes: Oh my. Cacau with a goal some of the children I saw earlier while on my run could have scored. A sitter as they say. 4-0 Germany and this is all getting a bit gross. Can we do something about Oceania qualifying? Seriously.

75 minutes: Announcers have stopped talking about the game and moved onto Rugby and swimming in the Indian Ocean. Why not just start the wave?

81 minutes: Germany going for 5-0 at least. They probably deserve it.

83 minutes: Wow. Whoever the German goalkeeper is just had to make a save. Honestly haven’t seen him since that opening attempt on goal.

86 minutes: I’ve stopped watching.

90 + 1: For some reason they’ve given 3 minutes injury time. Australia, representing Oceanic football, are an embarrassment. Won’t watch another game they’re involved in.

FT: Germany 4:0 Australia

This was fun for me. I’m probably going to do it again. I look forward to Germany playing a real team, hopefully one with 11 men for 90 minutes. Still, Germany are the best looking team BY FAR so far in this World Cup. Who *CAN’T* put a shot on target in the Germany starting 11?

If I’m not mistaken, the team finishing second (which will be the US) will face the winner from Group Germany, err, I mean Group D.