NOTHING’S HAPPENING!!1!

Look at how much fun we're having!

Good afternoon. Jubbo here and I *THINK* I’ve got two more Cubs posts in me. We’ll see. Here’s the first (and maybe last) one:

Back in March I wrote this. Let's take a look back at it, shall we? Huh? Oh no, you're coming!!
*grabs wrist and jerks*

1.) Marlon Byrd: I actually think hoss will hit well. I mean, he’ll hit better than any of the other “baseball players” the Cubs have trotted out in CF during my lifetime. But I actually cringe at the thought of this guy, whose individual legs have perhaps more girth than my entire waistline, continually “fielding” frozen ropes blasted to the gaps off our shitty pitching staff (more on that later). Seriously, Byrd’s “gonna” (see what I did there?) be a disaster out there, completely negating whatever positives he brings to the plate. Unless he runs headfirst into the outfield wall and goes on the DL. Then he can’t even hit.

Yeah, I whiffed pretty badly on this one. Marlon’s not only hit well but played incredible defense all season long. Hell, he helped win the All Star game for the NL with an incredible defensive play. He’s up for a Gold Glove out there as well. Easily the most likable player on the Cubs, I just feel bad for the guy since losing seems to follow him. He leaves Texas? They’re one of the best teams in baseball. He shows up on the Northside of Chicago? They might lose 100 games.

2.) Rudy J: For all the hype this old man gets, I guaran-damn-tee you his holy powers have met their match dealing with Soriano and Fukudome. Fact.

I’m not really sure what the Cubs new batting coach has done this season to be honest. The offense has been just flat out disgusting, almost entirely due to the fact that the Cubs are the just about the untimeliest(chokeiest?) hitting team in the history of baseball. I don’t know how much of that is Jaramillo’s fault. I do know though that (not stat-quoting/whoring, you can look it up if you want) that Aramis Ramirez, Derrek Lee, Fukudome in particular, and most of the rest of the Cubs in general, have had just awful offensive years. Hitting. They suck at it.

Soriano actually has had a solid year. Tyler Colvin has emerged as at least a serviciable if not good option for years to come. Soto has been excellent (OBP!). Castro hitting over .300. Rudy J? I don’t freaking know.

3.) Xavier Nady: He’s starting the season on the DL. There’s a decent chance his arm falls off sometime in June.

.231/4/23

4.) Gregg Maddux: Is this some hybrid creature formed by the union of Gre*g* Maddux and Greggy wegs? Read all about how Maddux found a way to get back on the Cubs payroll and not really do a damn thing here.

I think I saw Maddux on tv when the Cubs were on their West Coast swing back after the All Star break. I think.

5.) New Owners Ricketts = more flexibility at the trade deadline: Just “gonna” (theme?) let that one stand for itself.

…Pauses…

Nope, just can’t do it: The “new owners” actually know a little bit about making money, unlike the Cubs previous, shitty owner. The same reason we didn’t splash any cash over the *HOT FUCKING STOVE* is the same reason we won’t splash any before the trade deadline: Donuts Hendry backloaded too many contracts and we don’t have any goddamn money! Hell, Hendry backloaded Byrd’s contract this past winter just because it was the only chance he had at pissing away money. Well, I mean the only chance since he threw a wad of cash at John Grabow.

Yeah, the Cubs sucked so much ass that they were actually sellers at the deadline. And the Ricketts? Let’s just say they’ve had an interesting (rocky?) virginal year in owning their cute favowite widdle baseball team and leave it at that for now.

6.) Aramis Ramirez: I love A-Ram and am not going to say anything bad about him here (he’s not very good at defense). OOPS! Poor guy is just too injury prone and I fear it could come back to peck him directly in the ass again during the 2010 season. Its not his fault, right? I mean, Its not like the guy fucks off to the DR every Winter and focuses soley on cockfighting, right?

ARam sucks and is hurt. Great thing he doesn’t have a player option for the last year of his contract! Wait, what?

7.) Rebounding players: Geo is skinny again. That’s all I (and anyone else) got.

Geo’s had a nice year. Soriano too, I guess. Every other single returning player “rebounded’ straight down the toilet. Marmol? What good is a lights out closer on a team that is on pace to lose 95-100 games?

8.) Pitching Depth Runs Deep: I *REALLY* want to let this one stand on its own. Eh, fuck it:

We’ve got some work to do with our pitching though, we really do.” from Sweet Lou via the Trib

Dempster’s been solid, Lilly too before he left us and Silva was good in the first half. Of course, he almost died a couple weeks back. Marmol has over 100 damn K’s in 60-some-odd innings (look at my vast research!). Everyone else has been FLAT AWFUL.

9.) Cubs Farm System: is a shambles. And I’m not linking a goddamn thing about it.

I probably whiffed on this one as well. OK, maybe I fouled it off. Starlin Castro and Tyler Colvin are in the running for ROY (neither one of them will get it). Andrew Cashner came up and was effective for a while. Now he just looks like a bum. The rest of them that have been called up are awful. So maybe I did get this one right. Either way, Castro and Colvin have put some pretty nice icing on a cake made up mostly of shit and garbage. Who would eat a cake made up of mostly shit and garbage?

10.) Addition by Subtraction: Yes, Milton Bradley is gone. And so is Chad Fox (who’s arm was never here to begin with). But, will the addition by subtraction equation come out to a few more victories than the 83 wins the Cubs posted in ’09?

I just don’t have it in me to talk about this one. This is a bad baseball team. And due to money issues and bad contracts, its going to get worse before it gets better.

I think I did OK with this rant back in March, Marlon Byrd notwithstanding. The Cubs have a lot of guys making a lot of money who just don’t produce. Anything. They’ve got them on the field, on the bench and upstairs in the frickin’ front office. They’re a mess. And although I didn’t think it was going to be this bad, I told you it wasn’t gonna happen.

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