The Truth behind the Destination for LeBron James

According to Yahoo! Sports’ Adrian Wojnarowski, an unnamed NBA executive has stated that his “gut” leads him to believe that LeBron James will remain in Cleveland.

His gut?  Really?  C’mon now.  That is not scientific or insightful.  My gut is good at telling time, at least according to Denny’s, but that does not mean that it can predict the future.

But we’ve got this LeBron thing all figured out here at UP.  And it is all about finding the subtle clues.

Okay, we know that it is down to the Heat, Bulls, Nets, Knicks and Cavaliers.  Notice that we eliminated all other teams including the Jazz (LBJ can’t play where they don’t allow music), Sacramento (who wants to play there) and the Clippers.  Yeah, that’s right.  The Clippers.  Even though they courted James, check out this completely undoctored picture that we found of LeBron in a “private” moment…

Hey, it is on the Internets, so it must be true!

SWEET JESUS!!!  Okay, so the Clippers are out!

What about the Miami Heat?  The potential to play with Dwyane Wade, and maybe Chris Bosh.  No state income tax.  Awesome weather.  Well, we noticed LeBron getting down to some tunes.  At first we thought it might be Kid ‘n Play, but upon further inspection we found out it was DMX and the “Ruff Ryders’ Anthem.”  Well, that song was released the same year as Will Smith’s “Miami.”

Now, who in their right mind would choose a DMX song used in a car rental commercial over Will Smith’s dynamite song?  Well, someone not planning on hitting South Beach any time soon.  This is a clear indication that he is not going to Miami.

Additionally, the fact that he was listening to DMX seems to go against his friendship with Jay-Z.  Must mean he is not going to the Nets either, yeah?  Well, not necessarily.  When our intern who spotted LeBron jamming to DMX asked James what kind of underwear the King rocks (hey, you gotta find clues in the most minute detail), LeBron dismissed with a wave of the hand and a stern “NEXT!”

Well, we thought it was “Next.”  After listening over and over again, we are convinced he said “Nets!”  Either he wears fishnets, or he has New Jersey — or is it Brooklyn — on the mind.  Going to the Nets, yeah?

Well, no!  Maybe the DMX thing was a clue about the Nets after all.  We later spotted LeBron at a party.  Before our intern got curb-stomped out of the VIP lounge, he caught a glimpse of what James was drinking — Grey Goose!  That’s right, the god-awful pseudo-vodka made from grape waste.

What do the French know about vodka!?  Nothing!  But, considering that James chose Grey Goose over a real vodka from Russia — or at least Poland — is a slap in the face of Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov.  It is like going to an SEC tailgate and telling a Southerner that you like soccer more than football.  It will get you KILLED in the South.

Drink choice?  Not Russian.  Team choice?  Not the Nets.

So, we are down to the Bulls, Cavs, and Knicks.  Hahahah…okay, we are REALLY down to the Bulls and Cavs.

After our intern was released from the hospital, he caught up to the James gang — ERRRR, I mean entourage — and overheard this conversation:

“You know what was an underrated show?  Perfect Strangers.  It was much more hilarious than that crappy Drew Carey Show!”

Really?  Ah yeah!  I think we all know where the Drew Carey Show was located.  Y’know…”Cleveland Rocks!”  Well, apparently not as the King thinks it sucks!  So he is not going to Cleveland…or staying in Cleveland, I should say.

AND…AND!  Perfect Strangers was an odd choice of TV shows for LeBron James to pull as an underrated show.  Unless…yup!  You have to pay attention to these things.  Perfect Strangers was set in Chicago.  Sweet Home Chicago!!!

Yup, that exec’s gut must be lying because based on all this incredible evidence, LeBron is going to Chicago!!!  That’s it!!!  You heard it here first at Uncle Popov’s Drunken Sports Rant.  Make sure you credit us, ESPN!!!!

…hold on a second………

Our now-toothless intern just informed me that the Perfect Strangers conversation continued and included a dinner discussion…

“Man, I am starving.  Let’s go get some tapas.”

Huh?

A-ha!!!!!  Yes, we have cracked it.

Tapas.  “Perfect Strangers.”  A product not made where it originated (nor better than the original).  “Ruff Ryders” and a song with a line “shut ’em down, open up shop.”  As in…shut down the powers that be [the NBA and David Stern] and open up shop elsewhere?

That’s right!  Go ahead and run it…LeBron James is going to play alongside Ricky Rubio (perfect strangers) in Spain (away from where basketball originated) and open up his global brand in Barcelona!!

LeBron James is going to Regal FC Barcelona of the ACB!

How do you say “Print it!” in Catalan?

See! LeBron looks good in red and blue. Surely he can win a title in Spain!

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