And now, a message from the “King” — LeBron James!
Do not worry Cavalier fans! Do not worry Cleveland sports fans. LeBron will make everything alright.
You see, the past is the past. It is time to look forward — Game 6; in Boston! And I am your man!
Remember what I, “King” James, have done for the Cavaliers. Like Jesus turning water to wine, I changed the colors of the Cavs from a dismal blue and black and orange into a more exciting maroon and blue. I then single-handedly led the team to an 18-game turnaround from 2002-03 to 2003-04. Two years later I had the team in the playoffs as a four-seed; one year later (2006-07) I had the Cavs in the NBA Finals!
Do you remember that? I did all that…all by myself.
I also became Cleveland’s first NBA MVP. That is an accomplishment in and of itself as Cleveland needs some sort of winner. I followed that up with my second MVP this season, while becoming the youngest player to score 15,000 points. I am a freakin’ stud, averaging just under 28 points, 7.1 rebounds and 7 assist per game. I had to do it all because I am “King” James.
You do remember that, yeah? I did that all by myself!
So I had one bad game. Big deal. It is not my fault that my team cannot score. I tried to get them involved; after all I did not want to come off like Alexander Ovechkin.
That is why I went 3 for 14, shooting five shot fewer than my playoff average (and making six fewer). I tried to elevate everyone; but Shaq is a big boy. And, Mo Williams only made three baskets as well. Get onto him and get off of me. Quit taking me for granted. Where was Antwan Jamison with his nine points; or “Big Z” with his five shots? Maybe Ilgauskas should have stayed in D.C., “King” James has enough to carry here!
I mean, the team shot 26 for 54. So what if that means it is 48 percent shooting; I would have shot 58 percent if I shot all of those shots. Notice, we only shot 68 shots in Game 5. What were my teammates thinking!?
And why I am dishes out all of the assists? Isn’t that Mo’s job? Didn’t Mark Gottfried teach you anything about how to be a point guard? I should not be the best point guard on our team, Maurice!
I guess I will have to do this myself. I mean, even when I get my teammates involved I have to step up anyway. Like against Oklahoma City back in January. I set up Daniel Gibson to hit the three to win it, which he does because I am so awesome I had all defenders on me. I mean, c’mon, who is really going to take Gibson seriously!? But then, I am still the one who had to save the day and block Kevin Durant’s shot at the end.
Geez! And speaking of Durant, I am glad that KG compared Durant to Michael Jordan. I am not Michael Jordan. So do not compare me to Michael. He is not a “king.” I am better than Michael. I run this league!
Anyway, so it is an elimination game? Big flippin’ deal. Look at my stats in elimination games.
- 2006 (versus Detroit): 27 points on 11 for 24 shooting; 8 boards and two assists
- 2007 (versus San Antonio): 24 points on 10 for 30 shooting; 6 boards and 10 assists
- 2008 (versus Boston): 45 points on 14 of 29 shooting; 5 boards and 6 assists
- 2009 (versus Orlando [Game 5]): 37 points on 11 of 24 shooting; 14 boards and 12 assists
- 2009 (versus Orlando [Game 6]): 25 points on 8 of 20 shooting; 7 boards and 7 assists
So, I am 1-4 in elimination games and have never won a series after facing elimination. Who cares? You know I am going to come strong and do my part while the jesters run around like idiots. And, except for last year’s Game 6 versus Orlando, each elimination game followed a game where I had a “bad game” (7 turnovers in 2006; 39 percent shooting, 0 for 5 from three-point land and 5 TOs in 2007; 39 percent shooting and 8 TOs in 2008; 8 turnovers in 2009). So you know I am going to come strong and go off on old-ass Boston!
It is all about me, baby!
Look, I have definitely spoiled all of you with my greatness. Like I said Tuesday, when I struggle on the court I feel bad for myself. Because I am the King, I have to feel bad for myself because I cannot expect the rest of this team to play as awesome as I do every night.
But do not worry, Cleveland. This is my kingdom and I will make sure that I shoot the ball 25 times and score over 40 points, finish with more threes than Antwan, more blocks than Shaq, more rebounds than Big Z, and more assist than Maurice. And then the Cleveland LeBrons will win the… um, the…
hold on a sec!
Oh, that’s Jay-Z, ERRRRRRRRRRR, I mean, uh “Shawn Carter.” I gotta go.