10 Reasons Why “It *Ain’t* Gonna Happen”

I love the Chicago Cubs. I always have and I always will.

I hate shit like this. I always have and I always will.

And on the day that the Cubs open their Spring Training schedule against the mighty Oakland Athletics, I want to type about why I’m not all that excited regarding the Northsiders upcoming season. Ready? Who cares!?!

I Hate This More Than Anything

1.) Marlon Byrd: I actually think hoss will hit well. I mean, he’ll hit better than any of the other “baseball players” the Cubs have trotted out in CF during my lifetime. But I actually cringe at the thought of this guy, whose individual legs have perhaps more girth than my entire waistline, continually “fielding” frozen ropes blasted to the gaps off our shitty pitching staff (more on that later). Seriously, Byrd’s “gonna” (see what I did there?) be a disaster out there, completely negating whatever positives he brings to the plate. Unless he runs headfirst into the outfield wall and goes on the DL. Then he can’t even hit.

2.) Rudy J: For all the hype this old man gets, I guaran-damn-tee you his holy powers have met their match dealing with Soriano and Fukudome. Fact.

3.) Xavier Nady: He’s starting the season on the DL. There’s a decent chance his arm falls off sometime in June.

4.) Gregg Maddux: Is this some hybrid creature formed by the union of Gre*g* Maddux and Greggy wegs? Read all about how Maddux found a way to get back on the Cubs payroll and not really do a damn thing here.

5.) New Owners Ricketts = more flexibility at the trade deadline: Just “gonna” (theme?) let that one stand for itself.

…Pauses…

Nope, just can’t do it: The “new owners” actually know a little bit about making money, unlike the Cubs previous, shitty owner. The same reason we didn’t splash any cash over the *HOT FUCKING STOVE* is the same reason we won’t splash any before the trade deadline: Donuts Hendry backloaded too many contracts and we don’t have any goddamn money! Hell, Hendry backloaded Byrd’s contract this past winter just because it was the only chance he had at pissing away money. Well, I mean the only chance since he threw a wad of cash at John Grabow.

6.) Aramis Ramirez: I love A-Ram and am not going to say anything bad about him here (he’s not very good at defense). OOPS! Poor guy is just too injury prone and I fear it could come back to peck him directly in the ass again during the 2010 season. Its not his fault, right? I mean, Its not like the guy fucks off to the DR every Winter and focuses soley on cockfighting, right?

7.) Rebounding players: Geo is skinny again. That’s all I (and anyone else) got.

8.) Pitching Depth Runs Deep: I *REALLY* want to let this one stand on its own. Eh, fuck it:

We’ve got some work to do with our pitching though, we really do.” from Sweet Lou via the Trib

9.) Cubs Farm System: is a shambles. And I’m not linking a goddamn thing about it.

10.) Addition by Subtraction: Yes, Milton Bradley is gone. And so is Chad Fox (who’s arm was never here to begin with). But, will the addition by subtraction equation come out to a few more victories than the 83 wins the Cubs posted in ’09?

Because that’s really all we as Cubs fans need to concern ourselves with coming into the 2010 season. ‘Cause we ain’t gonna (!) win the Central. St. Louis will, what with their endless supplies of HGH and steriods. Our only hope is to get a Wild Card which, as always, will be tough. Has our offense improved enough to at least consider a Wild Card berth? Perhaps. But is our pitching going to take a step back (or 10) this year and nullify our progress at the plate?

Sadly, I think so. Lilly is hurt and apparently, sick. Z had an awful year in ’09 and has probably thrown his arm out (he did play for Dusty Baker, remember?). Dempster (meh) and Wells (are we seriously relying on a kid as a 4th starter?) not to mention the PTBNL who is our 5th arm, and the other PTBNL who is our whatever-arm until Lilly comes back.

I love the Cubs but it ain’t gonna happen.

Not this year.

Save those tears

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2 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why “It *Ain’t* Gonna Happen”

  1. every year its the fate of the cubs to finally do it (there facing the miami gators) think back to the future part two in 2015 and well it just never really comes to fruition. I blame that dame goat.

  2. Pingback: NOTHING’S HAPPENING!!1! « UNCLE POPOV's Drunken Sports Rant

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